


But it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose (The Real Slim Shady X Reader)

by magatronix



Category: Eminem (Musician), The Real Slim Shady - Fandom
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2018-11-19 13:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11314545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magatronix/pseuds/magatronix
Summary: Have you ever fantasized about being with The Real Slim Shady? Well, now you can.





	1. Nothing you idiots Dr Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement (ha ha)

**Author's Note:**

> Yo this makes no sense right now, the first chapter is short, and I update randomly, okay??

_{ quick a/n_

_y/n is your name_

_e/c is your eye color_

_h/c is your hair color_

_and i'm fairly certain you'll figure out the rest, due to context clues. (i'm so sorry in advance, i have no idea where this is going since i'm making it up as i go on, but it's not going anywhere good.) }_

You look up. You're in the same club you were in five minutes ago, this is because you haven't left. Which makes sense as to why you're still here.

Your e/c eyes scan across the crowd, they're all bumping and grinding. You don't understand how people could do such a vile thing, until your eyes land on _him_.

He's approaching the stage, reaching for the mic. He pulls the mic up to his plump, pink lips.

He searches through the crowd.

He smiles and speaks into the mic. "Will The Real Slim Shady please stand up?"

Suddenly, everyone falls to the floor, including yourself. You're confused about how everyone is still bumping and grinding despite being on the floor.

What kind of bullshit wizardry is this??

You look around, wondering who this 'Real Slim Shady' is.

That's when you realize that the only man standing up is the man who asked the damn question.

_He_ is _The_ Real Slim Shady.

And you have just fallen deeply in love with him.

 


	2. We're going to have a problem here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Real Slim Shady doesn't mean to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may seem weird, but it's about to get a lot weirder.

You realize that last chapter was short and that you're still on the floor.

You try to stand up, but in this reality, only The Real Slim Shady is allowed to stand up. And he's currently standing so..

You watch in horror as The Real Slim Shady waltzes off of the stage, wondering if you'll ever be able to stand again, or if you'll die here of starvation, surrounded by people who are still bumping and grinding despite being on the floor.

You realize that you could probably crawl out of the club, find a nearby pay phone (if those things still existed), and call your mom to come pick you up because who the fuck else would pick you up??

You start crawling towards the exit, keeping your gaze on the ground, when suddenly you see some very Gucci boots in front of you.

You already know who it is.

Your eyes trail up his very Gucci boots in terror, then up his slim slim slim jeans which are actually tights so I guess they're jights, then trail up his amazing t shirt which you are absolutely mesmerized by because guess what?????? You're in love with him you have no choice.

Your eyes stop at his face, and your heart races as he slowly smirks.

The Real Slim Shady is smirking at you.

You feel like you could faint and fall to the floor, but you can't. Fall to the floor, I mean. Since you're already on the floor so... anyways.

"What do you want?" You tilt your head up to face him.

"I think you know what I want," his smirk only grows.

"Actually, I don't," you reply in genuine curiousity.

His smirk falls and his expression falters. "Oh. Um.."

Now it's just awkward.

There is an awkward silence between you two.

The only sound is the sound of the people who are still bumping and grinding and you don't know why they haven't stopped because c'mon that's gotta be uncomfortable on the floor.

The Real Slim Shady coughs awkwardly. "Aren't you going to ask what I want?"

You stare dumbly. "Sorry, I didn't catch what you said."

The situation is even more awkward. You feel your face flare up in embarrassment. It's awkward enough to not hear someone, but it must be even more awkward for him to repeat himself, especially in a fan fiction where you, the reader, clearly read what he just said.

"I said, 'aren't you going to ask me what I want?'" His face is covered in blush. Now you feel bad. How could you make The Real Slim Shady repeat himself?? Though I guess it's not really your choice since I'm the author.

"Uh- yeah. What do you want?" Your body trembles in anticipation, you're also trembling because you're fairly certain someone drugged you but who knows because this is a club and you can't really do anything for yourself. I'm literally in control of your actions.

"I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can't," he sighs.

"Aren't those lyrics to a song?" You ask.

"Shut up," he suddenly leans down and picks you up, bridal style hell yeah.

You're suddenly aware that The Real Slim Shady is actually ripped and that his name should be The Real Buff Shady.

He carries you out of the club and places you on the ground.

You're able to walk!! It's a miracle!!

"I'm able to walk!! It's a miracle!!" You leap up in the air and there's a freeze frame because this is a memorable moment for you, also your life is about to change forever.

"Your life is about to change forever," The Real Slim Shady murmurs.

"Eh?" You wip your head to face him.

"You heard me," he smiles.

He reaches out and takes your arm. Literally. He ripped it off. You're bleeding. You should probably go to a hospital, man.

"Shit- sorry," he mutters. He tries to place it back on your shoulder stub that's drastically bleeding, but fails because A) he's not a doctor and B) that is not how you reattach an arm??

You're in shock so you don't say anything as he walks you across the street to a conveniently placed hospital.

They successfully reattach your arm, but you have to stay overnight, so here you are, in a hospital bed, with The Real Slim Shady to your right.

"Sorry about accidentally ripping your arm off. It's just- most people don't know how ripped I am. I wanted to be called The Real Buff Shady, but my manager said that was too narcissistic," The Real Slim Shady explains.

You nod, you can see why he wouldn't be called that. "It's alright; it's not the first time it's happened."

"It's not?" He asks quizzically.

"Nope. The first time it happened, I was like four or something and it got ripped off by a bear because I was in my backyard and this bear showed up and just ripped my arm off then left. Didn't even bite me or anything," you say. You begin to wonder if this was really a bear or if this was that crazy serial killer from way back that used to skin bears and wear their skin just to go around and rip people's arms off. It was probably just a bear.

"That's understandable," he says and eyes you.

"Hey, you're hot," you suddenly blurt because I don't want to build up a romantic moment.

"Oh. Thanks."

Now it's awkward again.

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

Suddenly the doctor comes in and you're saved.

"Ma'am/Sir/Whatever the fuck you are, I have bad news," the doctor addresses you.

"What is it??" You ask.

"As it turns out, you seem to have drugs in your veins. There is only one cure, and that is to find a vampire and have the vampire suck your blood," He says.

Suddenly the security bursts in and carries the doctor away, one security guard stays behind and explains. "This man is not a doctor, he's a cannibal. I'm so sorry that you had to hear his rambling. He was probably gonna eat you btw just so you know."

The security guard leaves and you're left to your thoughts, also The Real Slim Shady is still seated to your right.

"Hey, we should end chapter two here," The Real Slim Shady suggests.

"Yes, definitely," you nod in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's weird.


	3. Women, wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus, and it goes-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just wack, man.

You leave the hospital the next day, considering you only had to stay for one night. Which would make sense as to why you're leaving the next day. What the hell am I writing??

"I can drive you home," The Real Slim Shady offers.

"Please do, I can't move my arm," you reply. They may have reattached your arm, but the nerves aren't reattached, so now you have a limp, useless arm and would have been better off as an amputee.

The Real Slim Shady walks up to the side of his tricycle. A tricycle? Classy as fuck.

"Dude you must be so rich," you bat your eyelashes because guess what?? I'm still in control of your actions as the author.

"You know it," The Real Slim Shady winks back at you.

You sob.

His wink was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen.

The Real Slim Shady sits on his tricycle and tosses a rope to you, tying one end of the rope to the back of his tricycle.

"Uh- where am I riding on this tricycle?" You ask, looking down at the end of the rope in your one useful hand.

"Tie that around your waist," The Real Slim Shady smiles.

You tie the rope around your waist, and suddenly The Real Slim Shady is pedaling his tricycle and you are thrown to the pavement of the road and holy shit this burns.

You're aware that your skin is currently being ripped off by the road, yet you are still amazed at how fast The Real Slim Shady is pedaling his tricycle, so you don't mind the injuries.

He makes a wrong turn and ends up pedaling down the Interstate, he's going faster than the speed limit, but he could never get a ticket considering he is The Real Slim Shady and nobody would ever give The Real Slim Shady a ticket.

He's pedaling over 300 mph and you are so amazed but also uncomfortable so you take your limp, useless arm, and sit on it as a cushion, since, hey, it's useful enough for this.

By the time he gets you home, your limp arm is missing a hand, the bone can be seen, and there is literally shredded muscle sticking out, and it kind of reminds you of shredded cheese but you wouldn't eat your own shredded muscle, would you? Hell no, I'm not that messed up to actually write that.

"How was the ride?" The Real Slim Shady gets on his hands and feet and crawls towards you, kind of like the exorcist or some shit.

"It was awesome!!" You reply and stand up, completely ignoring the fact that your health is deteriorating and that your life has never been so weird before.

You begin walking to your house when you notice that your windows are broken. You run inside, hoping that your pet fish is okay.

You step over your mother's lifeless body and rush to your fish tank.

Jeremy is okay.

"M-My child..." Oh, guess your mom wasn't so lifeless after all. :/ my bad

You turn to face your mother. "Mom! What happened??"

"I guarded Jeremy with my life," she coughs. Blood drips from her mouth. You take note that her leg has human bite marks, and that someone had stabbed a fork into her neck.

"Mom.. Who did this to you?" You ask worriedly.

"Some man, who probably tried to be a fake doctor at some point in his life idk though don't trust me on this, he came in through the door, and lunged for Jeremy," your mom lifts her finger to point at Jeremy, your fish who is completely unfazed by this situation. "I stopped him, but he had a fork. He lodged it in my neck." She's suddenly coughing.

Blood flies from her mouth and lands on your face.

"Gross," you mutter and wipe the blood from your face.

Your mom glares at you for that comment. "Anyways, he threw me to the floor and just started eating my leg. He literally stopped eating my leg, then broke the windows and left through the front door. It was so weird, man."

"Dude you shoulda been with me last night. I was with this guy, The Real-"

"Slim Shady?" Your mother cuts you off.

Your eyes widen. "Yes."

"Damn, kiddo, go get that ass, mhm, mhm, momma's proud." Your mother then makes one of those cheesy dying sounds only it's real and she dies.

You weep.

The Real Slim Shady crawls inside the house, except now he's crawling backwards, his eyes piercing into your soul.

"Sorry that your mom died," he says casually.

"It's okay," you sniffle. Okay, obviously it isn't okay, but um, I don't really know how to write sad stuff which is hypocritical considering the terrible things I've dealt with woops enough about me back to the fic.

"Want to throw a party?" The Real Slim Shady is eyeing Jeremy.

"Are you asking me?" You ask.

"No, Jeremy."

"How do you know his name?" You ask again.

"Eavesdropping in your last convo with your mom," he smiles.

There is a silence now. Not awkward though. Just a silence.

"I don't want to throw a party," Jeremy speaks.

Everyone is shocked.

Suddenly the man that your mother had mentioned earlier comes inside and breaks Jeremy's tank, then calmly leaves through the front door. It's the same cannibal from the hospital.

Jeremy dies on the floor because you are in too much shock to help him.

You weep, you break down into tears, you start making the weirdest most inhumane sounds because you're an ugly crier in this story.

"I can't believe he just killed your fish," The Real Slim Shady is now standing like a normal human being, he's also got a pop tart in one of his hands. He probably took it from one of your cupboards while your fish was dying.

He waltzes over to you, dancing to some song that's probably playing in his head. He pats your head in an attempt to comfort you.

It works.

You're okay now.

You're no longer sad.

Your depression is cured!!

"My depression is cured!!" You leap up and hug The Real Slim Shady because he's a hunk and you're in love with him.

You and The Real Slim Shady both leave your house, not before burning it down.

"Where to now?" You face The Real Slim Shady.

He takes your hand-less, useless arm in his hand, and rubs some lotion on it.

"Anywhere you'd like to go," The Real Slim Shady smiles.

"Can we go to your house?" You suggest.

The Real Slim Shady blinks in surprise. The hell do you have planned??

"I really wanted some microwavable hot pockets, and since we just burned my house down, I was wondering if we could make some at your house," you stare at the ground, glaring at an ant.

"Hot pockets? Sure," The Real Slim Shady sweeps you off of your feet and walks to the house directly next to yours.

"You're my neighbor??" You're surprised. You always thought that the man next door was some sort of shady man. Though you guess that makes sense now since you now know his name is The Real Slim Shady.

"You didn't know?" The Real Slim Shady asks.

"Nope. Can we end this chapter here? I think that the author has no clue about what else to put in this chapter, and I'm fairly certain that she doesn't even like this chapter so far," you comment.

"Of course, that would be perfect," The Real Slim Shady says, not before inserting his tongue in his door knob. He unlocks it and opens the door. 

Now the chapter is done. :))


	4. But Slim, What if you win? Wouldn't it be weird?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this like two years ago guys.

"Where's your furniture?" You look in awe at his living room, or, you assume it's the living room.

It's a pretty big room, except that there's no floor. It's dirt. There's no tile or wood. What the fuck, Slim?

"Furniture scares me," The Real Slim Shady replies, walking into his empty home.

You step inside and notice two things in the corner of your eye.

1) There's a cage. You'd think it's kinky but it's not. It's just a cage. Stop.

2) There's a cardboard cut-out of Carey Martin, the mom from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, inside the cage.

"Wh-"

"Don't question it," The Real Slim Shady is very serious about this.

"Oh," you fiddle with your thumbs.

"I have a microwave and some hot pockets in the kitchen," he leads you through a doorway.

He's right. There's a microwave and some hot pockets, but that's literally all that's there.

You get your hot pockets and sit in the living room with The Real Slim Shady.

You feel a little awkward, eating your hot pockets, on a dirt floor, The Real Slim Shady staring at you while you eat, and Carey Martin's cold, lifeless eyes boring holes into your skull.

"So where's your dad?" The Real Slim Shady abruptly speaks while you're in the middle of taking a bite.

You start to reply but end up choking on the hot pocket.

He shows no sympathy as you choke.

You finish your coughing fit and reply. "I'm not sure. I haven't seen him since I was like seven."

"What was he like?" The Real Slim Shady lifts his hand and boops your nose. What the hell did I just write?

"H-He was kind, I think, and a wrestler. I remember this one time, he had mom and I sit in the living room while he fought some other woman in a wresting match in his room. There was a lot of grunting and moaning so I'm sure he beat her up good," you reply. You're so clueless.

The Real Slim Shady nods. "Sounds like a good man who definitely did not cheat on your mother."

"Yes, definitely," you nod as well.

You watch in silence as The Real Slim Shady stands up and walks over to the cage. He carefully and tenderly reaches inside and pulls out the Carey Martin cut-out. He walks back and places it next to you, then walks to his front door.

"I'm going to the store for a few minutes. You can bond with my mom while I'm gone," he nods to the cut-out before leaving.

You're uncomfortable. You've never had to introduce yourself to someone's mom before, let alone a cardboard cut-out.

"Hello," you introduce yourself. "My name is y/n."

The cardboard cut-out doesn't reply. Of course it doesn't. It's a cardboard cut-out. Why would it reply? Hmm? Though, Jeremy replied and nobody was expecting that, were they? So maybe the cardboard cut-out will reply.

Nah.

You finish your hot pockets and stare at the cardboard cut-out. This silence is uncomfortable and her stare is honestly unnerving, so you stand up and explore The Real Slim Shady's house.

You walk through the 'kitchen' and enter a room from there. There is a hatch on the ground. You, being the curious human that you are in this damn story, open the hatch and crawl down it.

Holy shit.

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

What the hell?

What the actual fuck?

You're horrified.

On every wall you can see, there are posters of Nickelback.

Also there's a pile of human faces in the center of the room but you're more horrified by the Nickelback posters at the moment.

You catch a movement in the corner of your eye.

You turn in time to see a frail-looking man curl into a fetal position.

"Who are you?" You ask.

"Ted Cruz," he replies. His voice is wary.

"The Zodiac Killer?" You walk toward him.

"Why does everyone assume that?" He frowns.

He's not wearing a shirt, so his man-boobs are flailing around. Literally. On their own. He's not even moving his body. It's like they've got a mind of their own.

He clearly gets self-conscious as he calmly covers his man-boobs and whispers, "Calm ur tits."

"Um. Why are you here?" You ask, standing directly in front of him now.

"After losing the election, the memes didn't stop. The entire police force of the US believes that I'm the Zodiac Killer, so I lost my home. I'm on the run. The Real Slim Shady is the only one who accepted me for who I really am," he murmurs.

"And who are you really?" You crouch down in front of him, staring him directly in the eye.

"He's my father."

You turn in surprise at the sound of The Real Slim Shady's voice.

He's climbing down the hatch, carrying Carey Martin's cardboard cut-out on his back.

"Is this true?" You face Ted again.

He only nods. "Yes, I am The Real Slim Shady's biological father, and that Carey Martin cardboard cut-out is The Real Slim Shady's biological mother."

You're a little weirded out because your mind immediately races to how the fuck they could have possibly reproduced, but you stop yourself before regretting it too much.

The Real Slim Shady places his mother in the corner. She watches silently. You're still creeped out.

"That doesn't explain why you're down here, though. And why there are Nickelback posters on the walls," you shudder.

"Okay but I'm curious as to why you haven't addressed the human faces over there," Ted Cruz notes.

"Answer my questions first," you demand.

Ted Cruz groans and nods to his son, The Real Slim Shady. "You want to explain, son?"

The Real Slim Shady only nods. "Nickelback. The lead singer. He was my brother. He died. Now we keep these posters up down here. My father is down here to hide from the law. That's about it."

"Seems simple enough," you nod.

"Now, the faces. My father is a cannibal, though not the same cannibal that just killed your mother and Jeremy," The Real Slim Shady deadpans.

At the mention of Jeremy, you start tearing up.

The Real Slim Shady sees that you're upset, so he picks one of the faces off of the ground and waltzes over to you, then gently places the face on your face.

You're oddly comforted. What the fuck?

"I leave the faces intact so that I can remember who I've eaten, it's kind of a memoriam," Ted Cruz comments.

The Carey Martin cardboard cut-out falls over.

Everyone is silent.

"End the chapter?" Ted Cruz asks.

You and The Real Slim Shady nod simultaneously, the face on your face feeling completely normal.


	5. Throwing her over furniture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, wrote this two years ago.

The situation was so weird that you had to go upstairs again. You kinda wanted to leave because tbh I'm not feeling this setting.

"Hey, y/n, where to next?" The Real Slim Shady had followed you upstairs, leaving his father and mother in the basement.

You peel the face off of your face and sigh. "I just- I feel like I should go somewhere. Do something."

The Real Slim Shady taps his foot. "Let's go find your dad. I'm sure he'd have something to do with this plot."

You ponder this, then nod in agreement. "Sure."

The Real Slim Shady goes to say goodbye to his father and mother, then returns to your side, escorting you outdoors.

You're shocked to see the cannibal who killed your mother and... Jeremy.... You tear up again.

"Oi! Put my tricycle down!!" The Real Slim Shady cartwheels towards the cannibal. He stands up straight and spanks the cannibal.

The cannibal moans. Moans. 

You're kinkshaming.

"I'm kinkshaming!" You screech.

The cannibal glares at you as he is spanked again. "I'm sure you have your own kinks!!"

I'm sure you do too.............................

You try to make a comeback but realize that he's probably right so you keep your mouth shut.

The cannibal tosses the tricycle in a nearby tree and lies down on the ground.

The Real Slim Shady is devastated yet confused by the cannibal's actions.

The cannibal rolls onto his stomach. "Spank me harder papi!"

"What the fuck?" You murmur.

The Real Slim Shady only walks towards the tree. He doesn't grab his tricycle, but rather tears a limb from the tree and approaches the cannibal.

He lifts the branch over his head before repeatedly spanking the cannibal.

The cannibal screams.

You wonder when this uncomfortable situation will be over.

Suddenly the cannibal disappears. He doesn't really disappear, because that'd be weird, but rather sinks into the ground.

The Real Slim Shady continues to spank the cannibal while he sinks into Earth.

He doesn't stop spanking until he is certain that the cannibal is gone.

"How did my life end up this way?" You ask.

"I told you that your life was going to change forever," The Real Slim Shady replies. He wipes the sweat from his forehead and tosses the branch to the side.

You're mesmerized by the way that his face glistens with sweat. He's practically sparkling.

"Your face, it's practically sparkling," you sigh in admiration.

"Yeah, it's a medical condition," The Real Slim Shady explains. He waltzes over to you and takes your hand.

Fuck.

He touched your hand.

Your heart won't stop racing.

Thanks Obama.

The Real Slim Shady walks down the street with you, his abnormally sweaty hand holding yours.

"Do you know your father's name?" The Real Slim Shady glances at you.

"I don't," you look down in confusion. Who is your dad? Of course I already know. ;D

"How about we go to the hospital and check your birth certificate?" The Real Slim Shady suggests.

"Yeah, that would probably help," you answer.

The walk to the hospital takes a little longer than it normally would because The Real Slim Shady didn't grab his tricycle from the tree. You point out where you lost your hand and actually see it. It's as good as roadkill now.

Upon reaching the hospital, you both disguise yourselves as doctors, knowing that the security can't be that great considering the fact that they let that cannibal in the hospital.

You pass multiple rooms, and halt in front of one door, confusing The Real Slim Shady.

He sees the sign on the door and realizes why you stopped.

You open the door.

Inside is John Cena.

You walk inside, The Real Slim Shady waltzing beside you.

"What is it, doc?" John Cena looks up from his magazine. It's got a picture of Ted Cruz on the front with the caption "The Whole US Police Force is After Him". Guess he wasn't lying when he said that the whole US police force was after him.

"Sir, you can't see me," you murmur.

"Wh-"

"You can't see me," The Real Slim Shady repeats.

You both chant. "You can't see me, you can't see me, you can't see me."

By now, John Cena is in tears.

You both leave.

That's all you've ever wanted to do.

Okay back to searching for your birth certificate.

The Real Slim Shady ducks his head as he waltzes past a few real doctors.

You act casual, and walk beside him, not ducking your head bc that's honestly suspicious okokok.

You make a left turn and end up bumping into someone, you apologize and keep walking. What, thought I was going to make that significant? 

Wrong.

The Real Slim Shady grabs your shoulder and leads you into a room.

It's covered in birth certificates.

Every wall has like three hundred birth certificates on them.

Except, they all say the same thing.

The child on them is.... you?? Shocker.

You look at The Real Slim Shady in confusion.

"It's normal," he replies. You're reassured.

"It says here that your mom is.... the woman who died from that cannibal. And that your father is....." The Real Slim Shady's eyes widen.

"Who? Who is he?" You ask, scared to look yourself.

"Dwayne The Rock Johnson," The Real Slim Shady whispers.

You can't believe it. Honestly, how could it be possible?? Who knew?? I did.

"Are you sure?" You look at the certificates.

Yep.

Dwayne's your daddy.

not that way stop

Let me rephrase.

Dwayne's your biological father.

"This is... shocking," you state.

The Real Slim Shady can only nod.

Suddenly someone comes stumbling into the room.

"Did I hear Dwayne?? The rock??"

You're surprised to see that it's John Cena.

"Yes..?" The Real Slim Shady replies for you.

"I love Dwayne!! We used to wrestle!!" John Cena squeals. "In the bedroom too..."

Everyone falls silent.

"Please pretend you didn't hear that," John Cena whispers and coughs awkwardly.

You and The Real Slim Shady both nod in agreement, not wanting to think about those details too much.

"How am I going to find him?" You ask. Suddenly you're aware of your slim chances of finding your father. Eh, eh? Get it, get it? :D

"Find him? Dwayne?" John Cena asks.

You nod.

"Lucky for you, he's got a match in three days in a few states over from here!" John Cena fist bumps The Real Slim Shady.

"Why is that lucky for me?" You ask.

"It's lucky for you because I can get you a ride," John Cena grins. "On a tour bus."

"Whose tour bus?" The Real Slim Shady is suddenly back to walking like the Exorcist, but you don't question it since you're in love with him.

"Have you ever heard of Nickelback?" John Cena smiles even wider.

You choke.

"Because it's not them. Actually it's One Direction," John Cena places his hands on his hips in some proud way.

"Fuck them," The Real Slim Shady sneers.

"Yeah, fuck them," John Cena sighs dreamily.

You and The Real Slim Shady fall silent again.

You can tell that John Cena has suddenly realized his mistake in wording, how The Real Slim Shady meant that he didn't like One Direction, and how John Cena wanted to have sexual intercourse with One Direction.

"Um. Anyways. I'll uh- I'll get your ride with One Erection- er- no- Direction," John Cena coughs.

He suddenly disappears into thin air.

This weirds you out.

"Also, you can't see me," John Cena whispers, his voice eerily close to your ear. You can feel him lick your neck before completely disappearing.

"Guess we know what to do next, yeah?" The Real Slim Shady is crawling up the wall, backwards.

"Mhm," you smile. He's so adorable.

"Let's end the chapter here, yeah?"

"Mhm," you smile. He's hot.

"Y/n?" He asks, confused as to why the chapter isn't over.

He's on the ceiling now, his legs having strange spasms, but it's nothing out of the ordinary for The Real Slim Shady.

The reason the chapter isn't over is because I have to make you fawn over him.

This is a romance story, alright?

You feel your face heat up in a blush as his eyes roll back in his head.

"Y/n, end the chapter here," his arm snaps. So sexy.

You nod and blush even more. What a guy... :,)


	6. May I Have Your Attention Please?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two. Years.

Getting on One Direction's tour bus was fairly easy, which shocks you.

You're surprised to see that the bus is vacant, but you're not surprised to see The Real Slim Shady trying to shimmy underneath one of the bus seats.

"Help," The Real Slim Shady whimpers.

"What?" You ask.

"My booty-licious ass is too big to fit under this seat," he replies, glaring up at you. At least, you think he's glaring, you can't really tell since his eyes have rolled back into his head.

You understand. You lean down to his level and use your one hand to push him farther into the seat.

"Thank you," he whispers. You're awe-struck. His voice is amazing and you feel like you could burst into flames.

"No, thank you," you reply before you can think about it.

The Real Slim Shady sends you a quizzical look but doesn't question your reply.

"Ah, Zayn, I'm craving dill pickle chips!"

You turn in surprise to see Harry Styles of One Direction stepping onto the bus.

You're just about to say hello when you notice his huge stomach. He's not fat... he's heavily pregnant?? The fuck??

"Oh! Look at you, you little cutie! You must be the one Cena told us about," Harry Styles of One Direction points at you.

You don't know how to respond, having never been called a "little cutie" by a pop star before.

You are saved by the rest of One Direction climbing onto the tour bus.

Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, and Niall Horan are all wearing orange jumpsuits. You don't question it.

"You're y/n!" Louis Tomlinson of One Direction smiles.

You nod.

"Yeah! You're y/n!" Niall Horan of One Direction chuckles.

You nod.

"Oh! You're y/n!" Liam Payne of One Direction exclaims.

You nod.

"Ah, y/n!" Zayn Malik of One Direction points at you.

You nod.

A sudden hiss makes everyone jump, startled. You glance down at your feet. The Real Slim Shady has wrapped his hand around your ankle.

Everyone falls silent and sits down because this situation would be too awkward for me to write. Also I've been winging this whole story and have no idea what I'm writing.

You are seated comfortably on your seat. The Real Slim Shady has a hand on each of your ankles, he's still under your seat.

"What happened to your hand?" Harry Styles of One Direction points at your arm that doesn't have a hand.

"What hand?" You reply.

"Oh, I see what you did there," Harry Styles of One Direction replies to your reply.

You don't see what you did there. I'm not even sure if you'll see what I did there. Maybe you will. Who knows?

"Why are you pregnant?" The Real Slim Shady asks Harry Styles of One Direction in a genuinely curious tone. He sounds like an innocent child.

"Because I had unprotected sex. Use protection, kiddo." Harry Styles of One Direction leans forward and pats The Real Slim Shady's head.

"Aren't you a boy though?" The Real Slim Shady tilts his head up and licks Harry Styles of One Direction's hand.

"Yes, I am," Harry Styles of One Direction replies in a matter-of-fact tone.

The Real Slim Shady drops the subject.

You drop the mic.

Not really though.

That was dumb of me to write.

Thanks Obama.

That was overused. ^

"Hey, where do you guys keep your food?" You pipe up.

"We don't have food on the bus," Zayn Malik of One Direction replies.

You stare at him blankly.

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

"We're going to stop at a Kroger in an hour," Liam Payne of One Direction squeaks.

You nod and smile at Liam Payne of One Direction; he is kind.

You hadn't even noticed that the bus was moving, but you had noticed that you were tired. When was the last time you slept? I don't know nor do I want to search through my fic to figure it out, so guess what?? You're gonna take a nap rn!!!

You take a nap. You fell asleep to the sound of Niall Horan of One Direction humming 'Take On Me', and to the feeling of The Real Slim Shady rubbing his face against your ankles.

********** (some time leap) **********

You wake up to Louis Tomlinson of One Direction hesitantly shaking your shoulder.

"We're in the Kroger parking lot," Louis Tomlinson of One Direction says.

You nod and he exits the bus. You notice that everyone but you and The Real Slim Shady has left the bus. The Real Slim Shady is now seated upside-down in the bus seat next to you, his head dangling off the seat, his beautiful blonde-ish locks almost touching the floor. He's asleep, his mouth is slightly open. He makes a sound like a demon every time he inhales. It's so cute. He's so cute.

You lean forward and tap his face with your hand. He doesn't stir, so you pull your hand back and slap him as hard as you can.

He still doesn't stir.

You stand up and start to leave when you hear a low growl behind you.

Ah, so The Real Slim Shady has finally awoken.

"Why didn't you wake me?" He mumbles.

You ignore his question and sashay off the bus, he follows.

The inside of Kroger is practically abandoned. The only sound you can hear is that of The Real Slim Shady's breathing. He's directly behind you. He's standing really close. No, like, really really close. His lips are touching your hair. You can feel his breath. Every step you take, he takes too.

There is a sudden shriek in the silent Kroger.

You turn and see Harry Styles of One Direction fall to the floor.

You and The Real Slim Shady rush to his side, along with Louis Tomlinson of One Direction.

"My water just broke!!" Harry Styles of One Direction is hyperventilating.

"Take deep breaths," Louis Tomlinson of One Direction replies, looking sickly.

"I'll get you a donut, yeah?" The Real Slim Shady suggests. He doesn't wait for an answer before dropping to the floor and rolling to the bakery section.

You don't know what to do. Where's the rest of One Direction??

"I don't want to give birth in a Kroger!!" Harry Styles of One Direction wails.

Harry Styles of One Direction gives birth in a Kroger.

I'm not going to describe how he gave birth, I'll leave that to your imagination. For all you know, there could have been a c-section. Then again, that's probably not the case.

Harry Styles of One Direction is holding the wailing infant in his shaking hands. You stare at the baby, and the baby stares at Harry Styles of One Direction, and Harry Styles of One Direction stares at the baby, and Louis Tomlinson of One Direction stares at Harry Styles of One Direction, and The Real Slim Shady approaches you all.

The Real Slim Shady hands a single donut to Harry Styles of One Direction, and Harry Styles of One Direction is grateful.

"So... What's the kids name?" You ask.

"I'm thinking.... Lebron James of One Direction," Harry Styles of One Direction smiles at his child.

"Isn't the baby a girl?" You ask.

Harry Styles of One Direction smiles and nods.

You nod as well.

Suddenly you can hear Nickelback playing in the background. The Real Slim Shady tenses next to you, you rub his arm and he tilts his head back. He looks like a literal horror movie, but he's just so hot. You want to kiss him but this is not what's important in this scene.

The miracle of life has just happened in a Kroger.

You think this day couldn't have been more perfect.

You hear the rest of One Direction run up to you all, clearly confused by the mess in front of them.

I don't know what else to write right here so this chapter is now over and I'll pick up from this moment in the next chapter. :D


	7. chicka chicka chicka Slim Shady I'm sick of him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on ig @magatronix my dudes

"Wait- you were pregnant?" Niall Horan of One Direction asks, completely shocked.

"What did you think? I was just really fat?" Harry Styles of One Direction sounds offended.

"I assumed you were," Niall Horan of One Direction confirms.

The Real Slim Shady is visibly shaking, Nickelback still being played in the background. You console him, rubbing his arm with your arm nub. He stills, visibly becoming calmer.

"It's so cute! What's it's name?" Liam Payne of One Direction asks, bending down to get closer to the infant. His orange jumpsuit becomes visibly tighter on him. You can see some indents in his suit that you kind of want to ask about but don't want to make him uncomfortable.

"Her name is Lebron James of One Direction," Harry Styles of One Direction replies, smiling down at his newborn.

"So who's the papi?" Zayn Malik of One Direction asks.

Harry Styles of One Direction visibly shakes. Why is everyone visibly shaking in this chapter? Why do I keep using the word "visibly"?

"The papi is that bastard, Ted Cruz," Harry Styles of One Direction frowns.

The Real Slim Shady jolts, his attention brought to Harry Styles of One Direction at the sound of his father's name.

"Did you just say that Ted Cruz is the father of your baby?" The Real Slim Shady is shocked. His eyes are wide. His beautiful, beautiful eyes. You wish you could grab him by the ass, pull him closer, and smother his mouth with yours. You want to take him right here. But now is not the time.

"Yes, my ex-Teddie Bear is the papi of my baby," Harry Styles of One Direction is now glaring at the floor.

"What? When did you even?" The Real Slim Shady's voice cracks. Fuck he's so cute.

"It's a long story, would you like to hear it?" Harry Styles of One Direction brings Lebron James of One Direction up to his suddenly bare chest, you avert your eyes. No need to see that. Also I don't want to write that Harry Styles of One Direction, a male, is breastfeeding the newborn he just had. Though I just wrote that right now, didn't I? I'm so confused.

Everyone nods, takes a seat on the floor, and turns their attention to Harry Styles of One Direction. You make sure to sit extra close to The Real Slim Shady. You think you see the side of his mouth tilt up, though you're not sure. You're not even sure if this guy can feel love, but you know that you love him. You should at least try, right?

"I was in a phone booth, around nine months ago," Harry Styles of One Direction starts. "When all of a sudden, I hear a banging on the door. I turned around and I saw him, Ted Cruz, frantically knocking on the window, begging for me to let him in."

Harry Styles of One Direction pauses, making sure that everyone is listening. They are.

"So, me being the kind boy I am, I allow him entrance. He was out of breath, he had probably been running for a while, so when he caught his breath he thanked me. I asked him why he was here, and he told me why," Harry Styles of One Direction looks up suddenly, you all look up as well, and see that there is a fucking memory cloud above his head. Like one of those dumb clouds on cartoons that show flashbacks.

~~~~~~~~ in the flashback ~~~~~~~~

Harry is shocked. This was Ted Cruz, the man that the entire US was after, because everyone thought he was the Zodiac Killer.

He suspects that Ted might actually be the Zodiac Killer, but he isn't certain.

"I'm not that man, though, and nobody believes me," Ted cries out. "I wasn't even born during the Zodiac's reign."

Harry feels sympathy for the quivering man.

"You believe me, yeah?" Ted asks.

Harry nods, because sure why not?

Things went fast from there.

Ted bought Harry a drink at a nearby bar. They grew closer. Ted led Harry to his bed. OH HEY THAT RHYMES HAHA.

"Teddie Bear?" Harry asks.

"Is that what you're going to call me now?" Ted asks.

Harry blushes. "I thought that the name was cute." I, personally, think it's a dumb nickname, and I'm the author. This proves that I hate cheesy things, yet I'm a die hard hopeless romantic. ;)

"Aw; it sure is," Ted smiles and brings his face to Harry's neck. He leaves a trail of kisses and hickeys on Harry's neck. They had grown so close in the span of one day. It's hard to believe that this was happening.

I DON'T WANT TO WRITE ANYTHING TERRIBLY INAPPROPRIATE SO JUST KNOW THAT THEY DID THE DO NOW LMAO K

Harry was ready to fall asleep. He curls into Teddie's arms, slightly aware of the rapid movement of Teddie's flying man-boobs on his back.

"I love you," Harry murmurs.

Ted hesitates, but Harry doesn't worry.

"I love you too."

Harry falls asleep at exactly twelve o'clock am.

He awakens the next day, alone. The bed is cold, and this is the beginning of Harry's mental downfall.

He guesses that what he and Ted Cruz had were just Midnight Memories.

(Those of you who have never listened to One Direction won't get that joke but who gives a fuck I'm laughing lmao.)

~~~~~~~BACK TO REGULAR TIME~~~~~~~

"I went back to my band mates and we went on with our lives. Only, a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant," Harry Styles of One Direction sighs, then smiles at the small one in his arms.

"Wait- you're telling me that you found out you were pregnant and didn't even question it? You're a dude," you state. You honestly had a regular life before you met The Real Slim Shady, except for the bear incident. You didn't know that such strange things happened all around you without your knowledge.

Harry Styles of One Direction simply nods in reply, cuddling his baby.

You finally get a good look at Lebron James of One Direction. She has Ted's eyes, and Harry Styles of One Direction's nose. She's absolutely adorable. You wish for a child yourself, preferably one with The Real Slim Shady, BUT BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO WRITE SUCH THINGS, THAT PROBABLY WON'T HAPPEN IN THIS FIC, THANK YOU NO THANK YOU.

You turn to look at The Real Slim Shady only to see him fiddling with his fingers, his face a blank canvas. You hesitantly rub his knee with your one hand, trying to comfort him. He nods, a reply that he's okay.

"How- How did I not notice?" Niall Horan of One Direction asks.

"And why couldn't I have been the baby-daddy?" Louis Tomlinson of One Direction whines.

This shocks you but you don't question it. After reading this far, you shouldn't be shocked by much.

You're more worried about The Real Slim Shady; it must be hard to find out that your father cheated on your mother and actually had a kid during the affair.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Liam Payne of One Direction finally speaks.

"It was too painful- he left me, after all," Harry Styles of One Direction responds.

"Also why didn't we even question that he was pregnant? Like, what the fuck? We didn't ask who made him pregnant??" Liam Payne of One Direction exclaims, waving his arms around in the typical 'I don't know' way.

"I assumed that it was Louis," Zayn Malik of One Direction replies, raising an eyebrow and tilting his head towards Louis Tomlinson of One Direction.

Louis Tomlinson of One Direction huffs and crosses his arms. "Sadly, no."

Everyone stops talking when Lebron James of One Direction makes a squeaky sound.

"Shh- she's saying something??" Harry Styles of One Direction looks down at his daughter.

"But she was just born," you reply.

"Shut the fuck up no one asked you," Niall Horan of One Direction responds.

Ouch. That was a little rude.

"B.. B....." Lebron James of One Direction gurgles.

"B..?" Harry Styles of One Direction asks, staring intently at his daughter. His eyes are sparkling with excitement, despite probably being exhausted from giving birth in a Kroger. Where the hell are the employees??

"Ball is life," Lebron James of One Direction states clearly, in a deep, masculine tone. What the fuck.

"'Atta girl," Harry Styles of One Direction coos.

Everyone else just stares at each other in shock, except for The Real Slim Shady, who is almost glaring at his thumbs.

"Oi! We gotta hit the road!" Someone pipes up from behind you. You turn and see that it's the manager of One Direction, who has missed literally everything that has just happened.

"But- we have to go to the hospital," Louis Tomlinson of One Direction replies, gesturing to the newborn infant.

"Oh no you don't," the manager smiles. It's a twisted smile that unnerves you.

The Real Slim Shady whips his head to face the manager.

"You're not the manager," The Real Slim Shady murmurs.

You look at The Real Slim Shady and lift an eyebrow.

"Oh, quite observant, you are," the manager who isn't actually the manager according to The Real Slim Shady states.

You're so fucking confused.

You watch in slight horror as the manager who isn't actually the manager according to The Real Slim Shady's face morphs into someone else's.

Your blood freezes. Your heart races faster. You squeeze The Real Slim Shady's thigh in your shock. Wow, his thigh feels really nice.

You recognize who this manager who isn't actually the manager according to The Real Slim Shady is.

The cannibal.


	8. Jaws all on the floor like Pam and Tommy just burst in the door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So things are weird so far.

The next events happen too fast for you to really process. They leave you confused, but also struck with horror.

The Real Slim Shady has somehow projected himself from where he was sitting onto the cannibal's back. He was now ripping the cannibal's hair out.

Lebron James of One Direction has broken into an unknown song, something about cracking open a cold one with the boys at a McDonald's.

Louis Tomlinson of One Direction and Niall Horan of One Direction have run to opposing sides of the cannibal, both ready to charge at the man.

You jump to your feet, rushing to Harry Styles of One Direction's side. You help him up. He can't have much strength after giving birth. He clutches onto his daughter tightly and looks at you with pleading eyes.

"Take my daughter somewhere safe," Harry Styles of One Direction requests desperately, handing the child over without your answer.

You glance at Harry Styles of One Direction with frightened eyes, then glance at The Real Slim Shady, who is now performing a Heimlich-like move on the cannibal, then look back at Harry Styles of One Direction and nod.

You turn and run to the nearest exit, careful not to jostle the singing newborn in your arms.

You don't have a very good grasp on the child, considering you only have one hand, but you try your best anyways.

"I'll blow this whole place up! I'll eat your charred remains and laugh!!" You hear the cannibal shout from behind you.

You tense up but keep making a run for it.

The automatic doors don't open. You turn in alarm and look at The Real Slim Shady, who has noticed the problem. He nods.

You don't know why he nods, nor do I. It just seems like the appropriate thing to do in a situation like this.

"Y/N!!" Zayn Malik of One Direction calls. You turn to see him standing by the restroom. He's waving to you, beckoning you to run over there.

You proceed to run over there, surprisingly.

"Hide in here," Zayn Malik of One Direction demands.

You nod and do as he says. Lebron James of One Direction hasn't shut the fuck up yet.

"And then we'll kick the cannibal in the shins! His only weakness!" Lebron James of One Direction wails this last part.

You stare at the infant in your arms, and actually think you're dumb for believing this kid, but leave the bathroom anyways.

"Hey! I think the cannibal's weakness is his shins!" You shout from across the Kroger.

Harry Styles of One Direction pauses, mulls it over, then nods. He turns and punches the cannibal in the shins.

The cannibal bitch-slaps Harry Styles of One Direction. "Why the fuck did you punch my shins?!"

Liam Payne of One Direction drops from the ceiling and lands on the cannibal. When did he get up there?

The Real Slim Shady drops to the floor and starts gnawing on the cannibal's shins.

The cannibal wails like a baby, like Lebron James of One Direction when she sang that last line of her song.

Niall Horan of One Direction and Louis Tomlinson of One Direction take this chance to finally charge at the cannibal with all of their strength, and end up crashing into each other instead. That's pretty believable.

"End his miserable life!" You're shocked to hear this from the newborn, but still unfazed by the situation.

You snap back into reality when Harry Styles of One Direction is literally thrown at you.

You hold the baby up as Harry Styles of One Direction crashes into you. You hear a sickening crack and let out a shriek of pain, but luckily Lebron James of One Direction remains unhurt.

You're fairly certain that you just broke your leg, but you're also fairly certain that Harry Styles of One Direction is in just as much pain as you are. His head is lolling to the side, and he's struggling to keep his eyes open; he's blinking rapidly.

"Harry? Harry!" Louis Tomlinson of One Direction shouts. He, too, is on the floor, but he's not in as bad a shape as Niall Horan of One Direction. Fucking wimp.

Harry Styles of One Direction nods before standing up, and winces. He reaches out to grab your hand and help you up. You stand but groan in pain.

"I know it hurts, but you have to get out of here," Harry Styles of One Direction says. He grabs your shoulders and looks you in the eyes.

You nod, blinking back tears from the pain in your leg.

Harry Styles of One Direction then looks down at his daughter, and kisses her forehead.

"I love you," he murmurs.

Harry Styles of One Direction then turns on his heel, and rushes back into battle.

Somehow, a fire has started in the Kroger. You assume that this cannibal has some major voodoo powers or some shit.

You turn back to the automatic sliding doors, and start sprinting, crying out in pain every now and then due to the pain in your leg. You cradle the baby, this time really trying not to lose your grip.

The doors still won't open, and you desperately look for something to break it with.

"Y/N! Move!"

You turn in time to see a huge brick heading your way. You gasp and jump back.

The brick smashes into the automatic doors.

You glance back at the huge battle and see The Real Slim Shady mouthing for you to go.

You nod and rush through the broken glass, careful not to hurt the baby.

Once outside of the Kroger, you rush to the tour bus. The doors are still open, but the driver is gone.  You set Lebron James of One Direction in a seat, then notice that there is a booster seat above you. You understand why they would have one, but you don't understand how you just so happened to notice it when you needed it the most. It's honestly just so convenient. ;)

You make sure that Lebron James of One Direction is sealed tight in her seat. She's singing a song about Starbucks now. You don't know how a newborn could be this smart, or this weird.

You take a deep breath then rush to the driver's seat.

A loud explosion can be heard from within the Kroger.

You start the bus and breathe in again.

You're about to do the dumbest thing, besides, you know, riding on your fucking arm on the Interstate.

You open the windows of the bus and floor it, shouting, "Move!!"

Everyone moves, everyone but the cannibal, who is somehow tied up on the floor in the Kroger.

You crash through the already broken automatic doors, and keep flooring it until you're certain that you've driven over the cannibal.

You're out of breath from the exhilaration of the ride. You turn to check on Lebron James of One Direction, who is just giggling about her feet. That seems normal. A little too normal for this story, but you shrug it off.

You hear a broken scream from outside of the bus. You slam open the bus door and drop to the floor. You look under the bus and are shocked to see no trace of the cannibal. No one is under the bus.

You turn when you hear another cry.

It's Louis Tomlinson of One Direction, he's on his knees, he's cradling a limp Harry Styles of One Direction.

You gasp and bring your hands to your face.

"Did I..?" You ask. You wonder if you did this.

The Real Slim Shady is immediately at your side, and he shakes his head no.

"What happened?" You ask.

The Real Slim Shady lifts a finger to his lips solemnly.

You nod.

Talking right now would be pretty disrespectful.

"Please. Please don't be dead," Louis Tomlinson of One Direction sobs into Harry Styles of One Direction's chest, grasping his shoulders tightly.

Harry Styles of One Direction coughs, and his eyes open slightly. He looks pained.

"Louis, Louis I want you to take care of Lebron James of One Direction," Harry Styles of One Direction murmurs so quietly that you're not sure if you heard that right.

Louis Tomlinson of One Direction can only nod and stare into Harry Styles of One Direction's eyes. "Anything for you, love."

Harry Styles of One Direction shudders and suddenly falls limp. Completely limp.

All members of One Direction except for Louis Tomlinson of One Direction are staring in shock at Harry Styles of One Direction's limp body.

Louis Tomlinson of One Direction is now hopelessly kissing the lifeless boy. Perhaps he's hoping that he can be the  prince in this story. Perhaps he thinks it's not too late. Perhaps he thinks that true love's kiss will bring him back.

It doesn't.


	9. Yea I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the emotional roller coaster.

Harry Styles was officially pronounced deceased upon arrival at the hospital.

You and The Real Slim Shady are sitting in the waiting room, and have been for the past few hours. The doctor's here gave you a cast for your broken leg.

The Real Slim Shady has fallen asleep a total of four times while you've been here.

Lebron James of One Direction was admitted to the hospital. She's currently being checked on by doctors.

You feel numb. You don't understand how Harry could have died, you didn't see it happen.

You can't imagine what Louis is going through. He's probably confused. You are also confused, but only confused as to why the "of One Direction" has stopped. This is because it's too much effort for me and kind of drags on.

Louis has been talking to doctors and trudging in and out of rooms, unable to fully comprehend that Harry just died.

You don't blame him. He loved Harry, after all, and it was obvious too. You wonder how you would react if The Real Slim Shady were to die.

You glance to your right, at The Real Slim Shady. He can't be comfortable in these stiff, plastic hospital chairs. His head tilts on his shoulder, his mouth slightly agape. He's sleeping, warm breath spilling from his lips every time he exhales. You don't blame him for sleeping. He's been through as much as you have, if not more.

You turn your attention to a door straight ahead of you as it slams open. Zayn walks out next to Liam. Liam is rubbing Zayn's back as tears drip down his cheeks. You wonder why you're not crying. You wonder why Liam isn't crying. You wonder a lot.

"Calling all doctors, in five, four, three..." The intercom suddenly cracks to life above you.

They continue counting down, and suddenly all of the doctors are rushing into the waiting room, except they're all in a line.

One doctor, who eerily resembles Leonardo DiCaprio, steps in front of them all and bellows, "WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT??"

The rest of the doctors sing, "Whoa whoa whoa whoa."

The Real Slim Shady jolts awake and stares in disbelief.

"Is this a fucking flash mob?" He glances at you.

You lift your shoulders in reply, having no clue yourself.

"WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT??" Doctor Leonardo continues to sing. He's actually really good at singing wtf.

"We've got to get out of here, immediately," The Real Slim Shady mutters and grabs your hand.

You send him a confused glance but comply and follow him out of the room.

You can hear loud thuds behind you, you wonder what that could be, or why a hospital has a flash mob of doctors, or why a hospital would choose 'What's New Pussycat' to sing.

"Great, they're throwing the chairs again. I was wondering when that would be brought back," The Real Slim Shady sighs.

"What do you mean? Has this happened before?" You ask, glancing at his delicate hand that firmly grasps your own.

"Only when a surgery is successful here." He glares at the closed door behind you two.

"Oh. Then that's good, yes?" You don't see why it should be bad.

"No- definitely not good. You don't understand what they believe a successful surgery is. From what I've read online- it usually ends in having burgers for hands, death, or some extremely odd side effects, such as being able to quote the bee movie, though that's an old meme that isn't even funny anymore," he explains.

You stare at him in amazement. How could he know all of this? Wow he's so fucking hot. You just want to take him right here right now, but that's kinda fucked up so I won't write that. Yet. No I'm kidding I don't know what I'll do, maybe you'll have sex with him, maybe you won't.

Liam suddenly comes wailing through the doors. Oh, now he's crying.

"He- He hit me with a chair, Zayn!" Liam sobs.

Zayn's eyes are puffy from crying over Harry. He nods solemnly. "That's what you get for being a little bitch."

"What the hell??" Liam wails and turns away from Zayn, probably to go cry in the bathroom or something, like the little bitch he is. Whoa. Where did that thought come from? You wonder why you suddenly called Liam a little bitch in your mind.

You don't know.

Nor do I.

I just wanted to write that.

Sorry.

Liam does wind up running to the bathroom behind you all to cry like the little bitch he is. Though I'm not really dissing on this boy, I was a hardcore One Direction fan at one point, definitely helped build my character. I'm so funny lmao k.

Zayn turns toward you and The Real Slim Shady, acknowledging your presence.

"How long do you think we'll be here for?" The Real Slim Shady asks.

"As long as it takes to get Lebron James of One Direction checked on, and as long as it takes to get Harry's ashes for Louis," Zayn sighs. This is clearly taking a toll on his mental state.

"Ashes?" The Real Slim Shady asks.

"It's what Harry would have wanted," Zayn nods.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Doctor Leonardo sprints out, carrying a blanket in his arms. Only... there's something in the blanket?

Upon further inspection, you realize that he is carrying his car keys in the blanket. You don't question this.

"Are you the family of baby Lebron?" Doctor Leonardo questions you all.

Liam pokes his head out of the bathroom door. "Yes, we are."

"Great! We just injected her with her father's ashes, or mother if that's what you preferred to call Harry," Doctor Leonardo smiles.

Everyone's eyes widen. What the actual fuck? Who injects a baby with their parents ashes?? Into their bloodstream???? Doctor Leonardo lookalike does, that's who.

"You're kidding, right?" You ask.

"Absolutely not, no joking at this hospital, nuh-uh."

Everyone is shocked as he continues to sprint away from you all. Just what the hell is happening?

The door in front of you all opens, and Louis trudges out, carrying a baby in his arms. You know who the baby is. All of you know who the baby is.

"We can leave now," Louis mumbles, his gaze on Lebron James of One Direction.

Thankfully, Lebron James of One Direction doesn't seem to be affected by Harry's ashes which are currently flowing through her veins. You're still shocked at the fact that a hospital would do something like that.

Louis stumbles towards the door, Harry's death has clearly hurt him the most. Physically and mentally. It almost pains you to watch him. Almost. :|

"Lou, should you really be holding Lebron?" Liam finally exits the bathroom, his eyes are red. Yeah he totally sobbed like a little bitch.

Louis only sends a glare in response.

Niall appears out of nowhere. He's running towards Liam at full speed, almost like he's being chased. He's carrying a familiar blanket. Doctor Leonardo's blanket??

"Niall, what the fuck are you doing?" Zayn asks as Niall runs past him, clutching the blanket like his life depends on it.

"Getting us a ride!" Niall shouts in response.

Doctor Leonardo comes running after Niall, all the while vigorously rubbing his nipples. Where did his shirt go? Is this even allowed?

You turn to The Real Slim Shady in confusion.

"I read that it's a special technique to help men run faster, though that man is still pretty slow," The Real Slim Shady replies to your unasked question. Wow, he truly understands you. You love him. You love him so, so much. Why? Because I said so. Why did I say so? I don't know. Why are you still reading this??

"Someone stop him!" Niall shouts, glancing back at Doctor Leonardo. You can only imagine how horrifying it must be in Niall's situation, looking back only to see a man furiously rubbing his tits as he chases you.

Zayn snaps out of whatever haze he could have possibly been in, if he was even in a haze, and immediately tackles Doctor Leonardo. Doctor Leonardo goes down in a yelp.

You take this chance to grab The Real Slim Shady's hand, with your only hand, and follow Niall. I have to keep reminding myself that you only have one hand.

You hear a few sickening cracking sounds behind you, probably Doctor Leonardo's skull hitting the floor multiple times, but you keep running. Soon Louis, Liam, and Zayn have caught up.

All of you rush outdoors, and Niall repeatedly clicks the alarm button on the keys until he finds Doctor Leonardo's car.

It's not the prettiest car; in fact, on the side, it says in big, spray painted letters "FUCK THE TITANIC", which only adds onto its ugliness. Titanic was a cinema masterpiece and you cannot tell me otherwise.

Liam flings the side door open as you, The Real Slim Shady, and Louis (who's carrying Lebron) crawl into the backseats. You notice that there are only two other seats in the car. Apparently Niall notices this too.

"I'll ride on the top," Niall smiles. He tosses the keys to Liam. "Liam, you drive."

"What? No, what the hell are you planning?" Liam asks.

Only now do the hospital alarms go off.

"Fuck, just trust me!" Niall shouts, climbing on top of the vehicle, though you can only see his foot from your point of view. You're stuck next to the window, feeling a little crushed, having The Real Slim Shady who's actually pretty buff sitting next to you.

Liam scrambles into the driver's seat and fumbles to start the car, as Zayn crawls into the passenger's seat.

"Niall, what are you planning?" You hear Zayn laugh quietly.

The car suddenly jerks into motion and you hear cursing from the top of the car.

"Hey, why are we stealing the car? And why did we leave so fast?" You ask before you can think about it.

"This place is shady as fuck, no offense, Slim." Liam eyes The Real Slim Shady from the rearview mirror.

You nod, you can agree with that. You glance at Louis, who is staring down at Lebron, who is staring at The Real Slim Shady, who is staring at you. It's an unending cycle of staring.

The car jerks to the right, almost throwing you against the window.

"WHAT THE FUCK LIAM??" Niall shouts from outside.

Liam rolls his window down. "SORRY MATE I'M NOT EXACTLY IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT A TANK?"

It is.

An army tank comes barreling down the street towards you all.

Suddenly almost everyone is screaming, except for one ring of laughter. That laughter is coming from Niall. Of course it is.

The tank explodes in almost a split second. What the fuck. Why did it just explode.

I'll explain that.

"HAHA DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT HOLY SHIT I USED LIKE THIRTY GRENADES ON MY LARGE SLINGSHOT TO EXPLODE THAT TANK WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS CRAZY!!" Niall shouts from atop the car.

Now you know why the tank exploded.

Lebron is crying, it's kind of heartbreaking, because suddenly Louis is crying too. He really doesn't know what to do with a baby.

The Real Slim Shady awkwardly shifts closer to you. Maybe he's not very good with emotions either. He's probably feeling even weirder than anyone else. He just found out that he has a half-sister, and that Harry Styles had sex with his dad. That could not be easy on the mind.

This chapter is a mess and I'm listening to crazy, loud music right now so I'm not even sure what I want to do with this chapter sooooooooooooooooooooo.

Suddenly Niall is tapping on your window and motioning for you to roll it down. You comply. He crawls into the car and sprawls across The Real Slim Shady's and your laps.

"Thanks guys, I didn't know if I could handle holding onto the flimsy antenna of the car much longer," Niall says.

The car turns left and suddenly you're on an Interstate. You remember the last time you were on an Interstate, you had to use your hand as a seat. Good times.

You look outside the car and are shocked to see a man sticking his head outside of a minivan. Only, you recognize the man. You know who he is. You know him.

And his name is...

JOHN CENA bbababababABABABUUUUM BABABBABBBABBABUUUUUUM!!!!!

wow that's really cliche and old I'm so sorry but like this is my story and I don't know what I'm doing whoops just like my life WOOPS

John Cena waves at you. You wave back.

"Is that John Cena?" The Real Slim Shady asks.

"Yeah, it is," you confirm.

AND THIS IS WHERE I END THE CHAPTER BC NEXT CHAPTER WILL MAKE MORE SENSE I THINK

**Author's Note:**

> WHAT NEXT


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